April 1, 2008

Today's News In Brief

Matthew Vassar to go gender-neutral.
The statue of our school's founder, currently in front of Main, will soon be getting an update. The statue of Matthew Vassar was a gift of the Class of 1969, presented to the school in 2006. "It's fairly new, but times have changed," one insider tells Mads. A new statue of a less gender-specific Matthew will be unveiled at the end of this year. Plans for the new statue include a less defined nose and jawline, and the bulge in the crotch area will be removed.

SAU to drain Sunset Lake.
The Student Activist Union has announced plans to drain Sunset Lake in the coming weeks. This announcement comes after SAU discovered that creek water flowing into the lake actually travels from several miles away. Members of SAU will then attempt to re-fill the lake with more local water.

Man who lost to JJ now will take her spot.
An inside source tells us that JJ Jackson's successor has almost been finalized. In a bizarre twist, Overtoun Jenda, the man JJ beat out for the University of Kentucky position, may be taking over for her at Vassar after she steps down this summer. "Jenda just seemed like the obvious candidate for the job," an insider tells Mads.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA

I love the one about SAU... all their shit about local business and local whatever is so socialist and so ridiculous. thank you for poking fun at those self-righteous people.

Anonymous said...

9:48
You make my morning less happy.

Respire said...

9:48
Ugh.

matt said...

This post is hilarious!

9:48, you're a jackass

Anonymous said...

i just want my toothbrush.

Anonymous said...

investigate the toothbrushes, please!

Anonymous said...

i love the vassar website today

Anonymous said...

good thing i have mouthwash... but seriously i miss my toothbrush...

Anonymous said...

9:48, lovely. Everyone else just can't seem to take a joke/honest criticism.

I applaude your creativity MADS.

zack miller '10 said...

Oh my god, the Vassar site is incredible.

Overheard by a clerk in the bookstore regarding the toothbrush heist:
"I hope whoever did this likes Barnes & Noble, because they're getting them a lot of money today."

Anonymous said...

I heard them say that too!

Anonymous said...

for some reason my toothbrush got skipped....

Anonymous said...

anyone have pics of the toothbrushes out on the paths? they were gone by the time i got out of class...

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA.

The first two are hilarious. Freakin' SAU.

Were toothbrushes taken in ALL of the dorms?

Anonymous said...

they left my toothbrush but maybe that's because it was hiding behind matt bourne's

Anonymous said...

the one about matthew vassar is hysterical! if some people on this campus had their way, they would actually do that

Anonymous said...

the one about the SAU!
so true

Anonymous said...

hahahah i love you. this was fucking funny.